Gab & Bullskat

Ya know, dares lots ah stuff dat most folks tink is just lifeless, plain ole ordinary stuff. Like….well furniture, pots an’ pans, tools, an’ ah course, all kinds a fishin’ an’ huntin’ stuff. But we outdoors pros, who spends alots a time foolin’ around wid Old Mudder Nature…..well, we knows gome ah dat so called plain lifeless stuff gots minds ah dare own. Er at least so it seems sometimes. An’ sayin’ wat I just said....well, dat brings ta mind da subject ah waders.

Da members ah da Weasel’s Sportmen’s Club was hangin’ out at Dickey’s Dive & Greasy Spoon in downtown Boondocker da udder day, gittin’ up are courage ta start findin’ an’ gittin’ all are fishin’ equipment fixed and organized. After all, here she is da first ah April an’ dose lakes an’ cricks will be shedin’ dare ice in a couple ah weeks.

So enyhow, my good buddy, Issadore Michael Arthur Lyon, “Ima” fer short, mentioned he had ta find his waders an’ patch da holes he put in’ um lass duck season when he found some old barbed wire hidin’ in da weeds by Pothold Pond. An’ after Ima said dat……well, all ah us Weasels had some strange, but true, stories about waders.

Are President, Boom Boom Bummer, gits us tinkin’ by sayin’, “Now just tink about waders fer a minute er two. Dose seemin’ly innocent garments, which is made outta rubber, plastic, and’ maybe a few metal buttons to hook up yer suspenders, kin be downright sneaky an’ sometimes dangerous at times. Lots ah tings kin happen ta a person when dey starts usin’ waders, because some down right weird tings has happened to me when I puts my waders on!”

Den Soggy Simpson adds, “It’s a knowed fact dat wader manufacturers purposely weaken da crotch area so dat’ll leak about da turd er fort time ya use ‘um. Many ah you readers know da sensations. Ya wades out inta yer favorite trout crick an’ limbers up da old fly rod. An’ cause ya got waders on, ya just gotta get out as deep as ya kin. All of a sudden ya gits a funny feelin’ round yer privates…..if ya know what I’m talkin’ about. Ya tinks, How come my privates is getting’ numb? My waders can’t be leakin’. Dese waders are only a couple ah weeks old. WRONG! Da’re leakin’ alright! An’ when ya gits back ta yer truck, da’re gonna be some udder fishermen watchin’ when ya takes off yer waders. An’ when dey sees where yer wet…..da’re gonna tink ya never outgrowed being a bed wetter! So don’t even try to explain dat yer new waders leaked in da crotch, because dey aint’ gonna believe ya enyhow.

Flipper Gunwhale puts down his mug ah suds and says, “How about dis one? Ya gits on yer wool socks an’ pulls an’ tugs yer waders on. An’ if ya got a pair ah dose new neoprene jobs, an’ a beer gut ta boot…..well ya’ve already spent ten ta fifteen munutes jist gittin’ ‘um on! Den ya stands up. HOLDY SMOKERS, da’re a bunch a sumthin’ in da feet ah yer waders dat feels like yer standing on da Rockey Mountains! So now ya gotta take dem off an’ dump out what’s in dare. Most a da time it’ll be corn ‘er sunflower seeds. Mice an’ chipmunks love ta store dare goodies in waders.”

Den Stubby Snodgrass says, “An’ I bet all ah ya knows what happens next. After ya gits yer waders back on an’ ya gets inta da crick er lake, an’ are ready ta do whatever ya planned ta do wid yer waders on, by da time yer knee deep, one ah yer foots feels set. An’ it’ll be wet. Real wet. Dose mice and chipmuks always chews a hole on da inside ah yer wader’s ankle so dey kin get in an’ out ah dare root cellar quicker! An’ naturally, ya ain’t got no patchin; stuff wid ya!”

Next, Gasman Gastrick chimes in. “Hey, how ‘bout dis none. Happens ta me all da time! Yer sittin a duck blind wid a buddy. Yer stomach gives ya a little twinge. Suddenly ya remembers ya had beans fer breakfast! Let me tell ya, beans an’ waders just don’ go tagedder too good. Bean gas and’ rubber waders combine ta make a odor dat’s worse den workin’ at da land fill! An’ every time ya moves a little bit, anudder little puff ah beans an’ rubber aroma sneaks out ah yer waders. Gererally yer buddy ‘ill suggest ta pick up da decoys an’ head fer home. NOW!Er else ya might be wadin’ a trout stream an’ sneak one out. Den every time ya cast, anudder engulfs ya. Sometimes it even makes da fish stop bitin”.

Fishface Cloggerknocker gits a big smile on his yap, and tell snuder orror story. “Ya jist catched a little trout. Ya unhooks da little guy and’ bends down ta release ‘um. Da front ah yer waders sags down a few inches an’ scoops up two, tree gallons ah ice cold trout streams water…..which is deposited down da inside ah yer waders when ya stands up! An’ when ya takes ‘um off somebody’s gonna be dare ta point an’ tease ya fer not wearin’ yer Depends.”

Are President looks at me an, says, “Well, Buckshot Bullskat, tell us one ah yer wader stories.” An’ I had one already ta tell!

“It’s da early trout an’ salmon season on da streams dat flows inta Lake Superior. Da snow is still a foot deep, da wind is howlin’ outta da nort off da lake, an’ chunks ah ice da size ah Delaware is bangin’ against da shore. Jist as yer gittin’ ready ta wade out an’ heave a spawn sack into da mouth ah da river, ya feels da seat end ah yer waders saggin’. Ya figger dat yer suspenders has come undone….IN DA BACK1 So, it’s off wid yer rain coat, off wid yer winter jacket, off wid yer goose down vest, an’ finally, off wid yer insulated shirt. By da time ya slip off yer waders so ya kin hook up yer suspenders agin’ yer bodys cor temperature is down ta zero. But heck no, da suspenders din’t come undone…..dey broke!

Puttin’ rotten suspenders back tagedder wid fishline is real fun’’’especially usin’ froze fingers! An; while yer fixin’ ‘um yer knowin’ all da time ya ain’t gonna catch no fish enyhow!”

Last but not least, my good buddy, Ima Lyon, tells da best one. “Ya go out ta da garage to git yer waders so ya kin go fisnin’. But dey ain’t dare! Ya asks yer wifee poo says,

“Ya mean dose old patched up rubber tings dat looks like pants wid feet? I used ‘um ta make a scarecrow fer my garden.”

“Oh well…..I was gonna buy a new pair eny-way. But I’m gonna check da crotch ta make sure da seams is glued real good.” PPP