Barney Frank and the last big lottery winner

By Mark Watson

Ima Player has played the Yes You Can national lottery since it was initiated six months ago. As with state lotteries, the national lottery was approved by Americans because the proceeds would go to educate the children and provide health insurance for victimized citizens and their undocumented non-citizen counterparts.

Before Sunday’s 11 a.m. drawing, the 66-year-old great grandmother of 16 estimates she spends $100 of her $1,100 Social Security payments each month on lottery tickets, but usually only won about $60.

Player can’t complain about her winnings any longer, as her chosen eight numbers matched those randomly selected by Congressman Barney Frank, D-Massachusetts, the official lottery ball fondler, err, holder. Her prize is $850 million, the highest lottery prize in the history of lotteries.

The Kentucky grandmother was flown to Washington, D.C. to be awarded her prize at lottery headquarters, located in the Capitol Building. A lottery lobbying firm arranged for Player’s transportation.

Player was surrounded by Congressman Frank, lottery officials and Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. After handing an oversized check for the entire amount of $850 million, Geithner playfully asked the winning great-grandmother if she had any plans for her winnings. Player’s response took Geithner by surprise.

“I would like for your help to be able to forget to pay taxes on my winnings for a few years without any IRS problems,” Player chuckled.

Geithner’s face turned red and he then turned around and left.

After Geithner’s abrupt departure, Player added, “I was only being facetious, because I know unless you’re a big political player like the Secretary or chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee like Congressman Charlie Rangel, you can’t forget to pay taxes without serious consequences.”

Frank was not pleased. “Madam, it is inappropriate to use this occasion for political grandstanding.” Frank then turned to the assembled media and invited them to ask appropriate questions of the winning lottery player.

“$850 million dollars is an awful lot of money for one person to receive from the government, isn’t it?” CNBC reporter Andrea Mitchell asked and immediately followed up before Player could respond, “Do you think it’s fair?”

Before Player could respond another reporter yelled out, “Shouldn’t you donate a good portion of your winnings to help the millions of homeless and insurance-deprived among your fellow Americans?”

Player was nonplussed. “I have some definite plans about helping my family, naturally. I also plan on helping my many friends who have lost their jobs since President Obama took office.”

Barney Frank’s eyes seemed to bulge outward as he called an end to the press conference. He turned to Player and advised her, “I would be careful about threatening the president.”

Player was clearly confused. “Where in the world did you get the idea I was threatening the president?”

Frank smiled: “I think pay czar Kenneth Feinberg will be giving you a call in the near future.”

Feinberg recently determined that executives at companies receiving government bailout money will have their paychecks drastically cut. Authority to violate employment contracts, constitutional due process, and other little details about Feinberg’s ability to so act was not immediately revealed.

Subsequent to the aborted press conference, Player issued a press release announcing she will form an exploratory committee for the purpose of determining the viability of her running for Congress in Kentucky’s third district, currently occupied by two-term Congressman John Yarmuth, known primarily for his miserly payments to employees prior to his election. He voted to increase the minimum wage after his election and after he sold his businesses.

In her press release, Player announced that Congressman Barney Frank has introduced legislation to limit lottery winnings to $250,000. When Frank’s office was contacted for a reply, a spokesman said, “With a more realistic top prize, more funds would be available for children’s education and health insurance for the poor.”

Shortly Player released her statement, it was learned that Geithner has declared that all lottery jackpots would not be allowed to exceed $250,000 and any excess would be earmarked for the poor. Geithner also announced that his new ruling will be retroactive to January 1, 2009 in honor of Bill Clinton’s presidency.

Player says she likely will not buy another lottery ticket.