March 14 – March 20 (All Times Eastern)
Sunday, March 14
“The Celebrity Apprentice” (NBC) 9 p.m.
Photo: Goldberg
Former WWE star Goldberg joins a cage match in the boardroom on a new season of “The Celebrity Apprentice,” premiering Sunday at 9 p.m. on NBC. The motley crew of participants also includes Eighties pop sensation Cyndi Lauper, Poison’s Bret Michaels, reality star Sharon Osbourne, Olympians Michael Johnson and Summer Sanders, actress Holly Robinson Peete, comics Carol Leifer and Sinbad, ballplayer Darryl Strawberry, Victoria’s Secret model Selita Ebanks, chef Curtis Stone, and wrestler/model Maria Kanellis. In disgraceful addition is a certain impeached politician who really shouldn’t be allowed to cash in on his notoriety this way. Bonus points will go to Goldberg if he pile-drives the so-and-so’s plasticine ’do into Donald Trump’s shag carpet. www.nbc.com/the-apprentice
“Sizing Up Sperm” (National Geographic) 9 p.m.
Photo: The Great Sperm Race
Sunday at 9 p.m. on National Geographic, “Sizing Up Sperm” swells the miniature process of fertilization to more impressive scale by recruiting a load of performers to fill in for the tiny swimmers. In order for the program to last its full hour, the stand-ins were told to think about baseball. National Geographic
“Fatal Attractions” (Animal Planet) 10 p.m.
Ronald Huff shared his small studio apartment with seven large Nile monitor lizards, but the fascination he shared with other exotic pet owners ultimately became one of many reported “Fatal Attractions,” an Animal Planet miniseries beginning Sunday at 10 p.m. Animal experts and psychologists weigh in on why some people obsessively ignore the dangers of keeping venomous reptiles, big cats, chimpanzees and the like in their homes. Seems like that would be rough on the carpet, too. http://animal.discovery.com/videos/fatal-attractions-killed-by-a-pet-komodo-dragon.html
“Killer Aliens” (Animal Planet) 8 p.m.
Sunday at 8 p.m. on Animal Planet, “Killer Aliens” examines the invasion of Florida by lethal Burmese pythons, Nile monitor lizards, feral hogs and Gambian rats the size of cats – all non-native species that have been imported by humans, and are now threatening the ecosystem and encroaching on suburbia. Their populations are advancing throughout the Sunshine State and others, spreading disease, destroying crops and claiming the lives of household pets, who now join the yelping over stricter immigration laws.
“God’s Little Acre” (TCM) 8 p.m.
Photo: Robert Ryan and Buddy Hackett
Dirt-poor Ty Ty (Robert Ryan, right) digs hole after hole on his property with the unshaken faith that someday he’ll find his granddaddy’s gold, even if he has to keep moving the plot of land he’s tithed to the Lord in “God’s Little Acre,” a 1958 drama based on Erskine Caldwell’s steamy novel, airing Sunday at 8 p.m. on TCM. The bawdy backwoods potboiler features Buddy Hackett (left) as the lovestruck Pluto and Fay Spain as the tempting Darlin’ Jill, plus Tina Louise (“Gilligan’s Island”), Jack Lord (“Hawaii Five-O”), and Michael Landon as the abducted albino.
Monday, March 15
“Trauma” (NBC) 9 p.m.
Photo: Taylor Kinney
Rookie EMT Glenn (Taylor Kinney) handles a procedure by the book but loses a patient, bringing the whole station under a “probie curse” on an all-new “Trauma,” airing Monday at 9 p.m. on NBC. The un-cancelled first-responder series can thank a late spike in ratings for its second chance at justifying a huge budget – there’s that human nature of slowing down to gawk at a multi-car pileup.
“20/20: Inside the Bachelor – The Stories Behind the Rose” (ABC) 8 p.m.
Monday at 8 p.m., ABC milks the just-concluded season of “The Bachelor” with a review of casting sessions and audition tapes and interviews with former contestants on the two-hour “20/20” special “Inside the Bachelor: The Stories Behind the Rose.” The news team also has plenty of dirt to sift through, with ousted bachelorette Rozlyn Papa’s alleged “inappropriate relationship” with one of the show’s producers, and her counter accusation that host Chris Harrison had hit on the producer’s wife in New Zealand last year. Well, the show is all about hooking up, isn’t it?
“Boom Town” (TCM) 8 p.m.
Photo: Hedy Lamarr
Considered the most beautiful actress of her era, Hedy Lamarr plays a seductive business insider who causes trouble between wildcatters Big John (Clark Cable) and Square John (Spencer Tracy) in “Boom Town,” airing Monday at 8 p.m. on TCM. Incidentally, in 1942 Lamarr co-invented an early form of frequency-hopping communications to enable guided torpedoes, which much later became the basis of spread-spectrum technology for wireless phones and Wi-Fi – long after the patent expired.
Tuesday, March 16
“NCIS” (CBS) 8 p.m.
Photo: Pauley Perrette
Forensic specialist Abby Scluto (Pauley Perrette) and the team contend with an issue of jurisdiction on “NCIS,” airing Tuesday at 8 p.m. on CBS. In a related viewer study, the series’ scenes of cadavers and grievous bodily harm appear to be less gruesome when paired with Abby’s gothic cuteness, demonstrating an associative form of Pavlovian conditioning.
“Justified” (FX) 10 p.m.
Photo: Timothy Olyphant
Timothy Olyphant (“Deadwood”) stars as U.S. Marshal Raylan Givens, a modern-day lawman with 19th-century style based on the popular Elmore Leonard character, on “Justified,” premiering Tuesday at 10 p.m. on FX. When his anachronistic brand of justice places him at odds with his bosses, Givens is reassigned to the district covering the rural Kentucky town where he was raised by an outlaw father. Expect conflicts of interest to arise at the next family reunion.
“Samurai” (History) 8 p.m.
Photo: Mark Dacascos
Actor and martial arts champion Mark Dacascos explores the story of Miyamoto Musashi, the most famous samurai of all time, as he trains in the weaponry and wisdom of Japan’s great warriors on “Samurai,” debuting Tuesday at 8 p.m. on History. Formerly “the Chairman” for “Iron Chef America,” Dacascos was a contestant on last season’s “Dancing with the Stars,” where he lost out to Seventies teen idol Donny Osmond. Maybe he should have worn the armor.
“Love Games: Bad Girls Need Love Too” (Oxygen) 11 p.m.
Photo: Amber Meade
Amber Meade and other members of Oxygen’s “Bad Girls Club” reveal their secrets of playing the dating field as a pool of 13 eligible bachelors compete for their attention through a series of off-the-wall challenges and entertaining group dates on “Love Games: Bad Girls Need Love Too,” premiering Tuesday at 11 p.m. Can the ladies put their badness aside to work together and identify the guys that are best for them? As if. Expect a high body count with only one Bad Girl and her thick-skinned suitor left standing.
Wednesday, March 17
“Ugly Americans” (Comedy Central) 10:30 p.m.
Photo: Mark and Callie
Immigrants get a little help adjusting to the hellish pace of New York City from social worker Mark Lilly and Callie Maggotbone, his half-demon immediate supervisor and sometimes girlfriend, on “Ugly Americans,” premiering Wednesday at 10:30 p.m. on Comedy Central. While these Department of Integration workers have mutants, vampires, werewolves and zombies to acclimate, it appears the hell-spawned bureaucrats provide the real social commentary. Sneak Peek
“Magic & Bird: A Courtship of Rivals” (HBO) 8 p.m.
Photo: Larry Bird and Earvin “Magic” Johnson
Wednesday at 8 p.m. on HBO, “Magic & Bird: A Courtship of Rivals” examines the rivalry between basketball stars Larry Bird (right) and Earvin “Magic” Johnson that began when they led their respective college teams to the 1979 NCAA Championship game, and lasted through their parallel careers in the NBA in which each won three MVP awards. Obviously a competitive focus adds fuel to the fire.
“The Ride of Their Lives” (Showtime) 10 p.m.
Photo: Dale Earnhardt Jr.
Dale Earnhardt Jr. and other NASCAR personalities discuss the family bonds and personal struggles that have defined their fast-paced sport, from its underground beginning with postwar moonshine runners to the flash and spectacle of the huge industry it is today, in “The Ride of Their Lives,” airing Wednesday at 10 p.m. on Showtime. We know, it’s hard to imagine that alcohol ever had anything to do with NASCAR races.
Thursday, March 18
“FlashForward” (ABC) 8 p.m.
Photo: Joseph Fiennes
Thursday at 8 p.m., Joseph Fiennes and the cast of the ABC hit drama “FlashForward” return with an all-new, two-hour episode. Viewers are promised they can experience the series week to week with no repeats or preemptions through the end of the season, all because the producers took a couple of months off the schedule in order to retool, fine-tune and then air all 13 episodes in a row
“Modern Marvels” (History) 8 p.m.
Photo: Bhut Jolokia
Thursday at 8 p.m. on History, “Modern Marvels” takes a hot and spicy look at Tabasco sauce and chili peppers, including the rare, tongue-scorching Bhut Jolokia, the hottest chili in the world. The fiery tour includes visits to McIlhenny Company of Louisiana and McCormick’s Baltimore plant, with stops for meals at the Southern Mississippi Chili Cook Off and Sol Toro, the Connecticut restaurant of basketball star Michael Jordan. Viewers are advised to keep a glass of milk handy to put out the vicarious flames.
“Observe and Report” (Cinemax) 8:30 p.m.
Photo: Seth Rogen
Keeping an ever-vigilant watch on the local mall is security guard Ronnie Barnhardt (Seth Rogen), although he does have an eye on a career with the real police force as well as romance with salesgirl Brandi (Anna Faris), in “Observe and Report,” airing Thursday at 8:30 p.m. on Cinemax
“Afghan Star” (HBO) 9 p.m.
Photo: Havana Marking
Journalist and filmmaker Havana Marking travels to Afghanistan to document what may be the Islamic nation’s greatest new expression of cultural freedom – their own version of “American Idol” – in “Afghan Star,” airing Thursday at 9 p.m. on HBO. The local program just wasn’t as popular before 2001 when popular music was banned and the Taliban judges summarily executed all the contestants. Hmm … that could certainly add a twist to the American series.
Friday, March 19
“Thin Ice” (ABC) 8 p.m.
Photo: Shae-Lynn Bourne
The planet’s greatest pro figure skaters, including 2003 World Champion Shae-Lynn Bourne, compete live for cash prizes in four disciplines, as judging is split between viewer votes on abc.com and a panel of judges, on “Thin Ice,” airing Friday at 8 p.m. on ABC. Four-time world champion Kurt Browning and Elizabeth Hasselbeck (“The View”) co-host the two-part competition special (concluding Sunday at 7 p.m.), which features gold medalists Kristi Yamaguchi and Dick Button among the judges.
“Who Do You Think You Are?” (NBC) 8 p.m.
Photo: Lisa Kudrow
Executive producer Lisa Kudrow (“Friends”) lends her own genealogical journey to “Who Do You Think You Are?” airing Friday at 8 p.m. on NBC. The Emmy winner travels all the way to Belarus to uncover the answer to her father’s lifelong question about his grandmother Meri, whom he believed to be a victim of the Holocaust. http://www.nbc.com/who-do-you-think-you-are/
“The Life & Times of Tim” (HBO) 9:30 p.m.
Photo: Tim
An uninsured Tim (voiced by creator Steve Dildarian) continues on his path toward unreliable characters by getting medical attention from a womanizing doctor and a suicidal sales rep on “The Life & Times of Tim,” airing Friday at 9:30 p.m. on HBO. Apparently even animated characters need comprehensive health care reform.
Saturday, March 20
“NASCAR Nationwide Series: Scotts Turf Builder 300” (ABC) 2:30 p.m.
Photo: Kevin Harvick
Last year the numbers lined up for Kevin Harvick, who won his 33rd NASCAR Nationwide race in the number 33 car at the age of 33, and this week he’s protecting his title at Bristol Motor Speedway in the “Scotts Turf Builder 300,” airing Saturday at 2:30 p.m. on ABC.
“PGA: Transitions Championship – Third Round” (NBC) 3 p.m.
Photo: Retief Goosen
Known as “The Goose” and “Iceman,” South African golfer Retief Goosen hopes to set the record as the most winning player in the “Transitions Championship” as he defends his title Saturday at 3 p.m. on NBC, airing from the Copperhead Course at Innisbrook Resort and Golf Club in Tampa Bay, Fla.
“Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” (NBC) 10 p.m.
Photo: Richard Belzer
When an abducted woman’s murder is linked to a vast Ponzi scheme, Detective Munch (Richard Belzer) recalls an older case with striking similarities that leads Benson (Mariska Hargitay) and Stabler (Christopher Meloni) to reopen the case and determine whether a man is as innocent as he and his ruthless attorney claim he is on “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit,” airing Saturday at 10 p.m. on NBC.
“Healing Hands” (Hallmark) 9 p.m.
Photo: Eddie Cibrian and Lisa Sheridan
“Invasion” co-stars Eddie Cibrian and Lisa Sheridan play a betrothed couple whose lives are changed when a simple accident bestows him with “Healing Hands,” debuting Saturday at 9 p.m. on Hallmark. Unfortunately, Buddy’s (Cibrian) ability to help others exacts a great price from him physically, and as his gift begins to take its toll on his health and relationship with Alice (Sheridan), they must decide to what extent they can put the well-being of others ahead of their own. Patrick Duffy (“Dallas”) and Meagan Fay (“Mad Money”) co-star.
“Handy Manny Big Race” (Disney) 7 p.m.
Handyman Manny Garcia (voiced by Wilmer Valderrama) helps Elliot (Lance Bass) get ready for the Wood Valley 500, with some extra assistance from famous racer Chase Davis (Dale Earnhardt Jr.), in “Handy Manny Big Race,” debuting Saturday at 7 p.m. on Disney. Preschoolers are invited to design their very own race car at www.PlayhouseDisney.com for the chance to have it appear on the air.
“Ghosts of Girlfriends Past” (HBO) 8 p.m.
Photo: Michael Douglas
The spirit of a grand philanderer (Michael Douglas) visits the womanizing nephew (Matthew McConaughey) he mentored to inform him that he will soon embark on a supernatural journey through his romantic history with “Ghosts of Girlfriends Past,” airing Saturday at 8 p.m. on HBO. Elsewhere, the much-plagiarized Charles Dickens rolls over in his grave again while Catherine Zeta Jones conceals a smirk.
